A memorial service is one of the most meaningful rituals we have — a gathering of people who loved someone, honoring what made that person unique and irreplaceable. Pre-planning your own service ensures that the ceremony reflects you: your personality, your values, your sense of humor, and what mattered most to you in your life.
Service Types
There's no single right format. Common approaches include:
- Traditional funeral service: Typically held at a funeral home or religious institution, often before burial or cremation. May include religious elements, eulogies, and a formal structure.
- Memorial service: Held after disposition of remains (burial or cremation), sometimes weeks later. No body or urn is required. Often allows for more flexibility in location and format.
- Celebration of life: An informal gathering focused on celebrating the person's life rather than mourning their death. Can be held at a meaningful location — a favorite restaurant, a park, a family home.
- Graveside service: A brief ceremony at the burial site, sometimes the only gathering.
- Virtual service: Livestreamed or recorded for people who cannot attend in person. Can be primary or supplementary.
Elements to Consider
Location
Where do you want your service held? A religious institution, a funeral home, a scenic outdoor location, or somewhere that held special meaning in your life?
Music
Music is one of the most emotionally powerful elements of any service. List specific songs — not just genres — and whether you prefer live music, a recorded playlist, or both. Include the titles and artists, and if there's a specific moment when each piece should be played (entrance, offertory, recessional).
Readings
Specify any poems, scripture passages, literary excerpts, or other texts you'd like read. Include the full text or a source so your family can find it.
Eulogists
Who do you want to speak about your life? Name specific people if possible. You can also leave notes for them — stories you want shared, themes you hope they'll address, or simply a message of gratitude for taking on the task.
Flowers or Charitable Donations
Do you want flowers? Are there specific types or colors you prefer? Alternatively, many people request that donations be made to a meaningful charity "in lieu of flowers" — name the organization specifically.
Dress Code
Do you want mourners to wear black? Bright colors? Something specific? Documenting this removes an awkward guessing game.
Reception or Gathering
Do you want a gathering after the service? Food, drink, an informal atmosphere for people to share stories? Where?
Obituary
Consider writing your own obituary in advance — or at least notes for the person who will write it. What do you want highlighted? What would you rather omit? See if your preferred newspaper has word limits or format requirements.
How to Document Your Wishes
Write your service preferences in detail and store them with your other funeral instructions. For a full checklist, see our guide on what to include in funeral instructions. Most importantly, tell your family where to find these instructions — and share the key elements with the people most likely to be involved in planning.
You can also use Better Legacy to record a personal video message to be shared at your service — a gift to everyone who attends. For ideas on what to say, see our guide to recording video messages for loved ones.
For the full picture of funeral planning, see our complete guide to planning your funeral in advance.